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Regret melts with the mixture of a sigh...

Thorns coiled around the sun
Regret melts with the mixture of a sigh

I spit and laugh at the dreams I've seen enough of
The hearts of men eaten by loneliness grows cruelly

It melts into the layers of white
The stuttered truth means the opposite
Love to smile

The gloomy morning has already died
It's going far away unable to reach
I want to fall asleep in the innocent gentleness with the tears

Lying about being pregnant is so carefree
The drowning tears in the pool made by a razor tastes vaguely sweet

The gloomy morning has already died

I hated myself for not being able to forgive the tears the lies and the love
But I can't go back
It's going far away unable to reach
I want to fall asleep in the innocent gentleness with the tears

It just echoes beyond the red sky in the background
The cries can't be heard anymore

So, that's Conceived Sorrow, obviously. 
Kyo knows how I've been feeling lately, or is it mainly because I play Kyo that is the reason why I've been feeling such things.
Or perhaps him and I are on the same wavelength?

Sunday was spent out to dinner with my mom and rocco.
They gave me a card, and said they had started fixing up my car.
I got a package of the dir en grey goodies i bought off ebay.

So, my birthday was on Monday.
Jess woke me up with a new fanfic she's writing, and a card from Kaoru to Kyo.
I was ecstatic, and it was a great way to wake up and begin my birthday.
I freaked out about going to my aunt's house, because I wasn't ready to see my father...
Well, we got ready and my mom took us there.

It was nice seeing my Aunt Margo and my Aunt Dawn.
My mom had to listen to my dad for like twenty minutes.
She really hates calling him, so she just asked if he wanted to talk to her before she left.
I felt bad for her.
Jess and I sat inside the house the whole time.
We ate, and we chatted with my aunt dawn and aunt margo.
Chatted a bit with Lindsey every once and a while.
At least my aunt's know my father is insane.
We only stayed for about 2 and a half hours. 
We ate.
My one aunt forgot it was my birthday, but hey that's just my aunt pat.
I opened up the cards.
My Aunt Dawn gave me $25.00 which was very sweet of her.
My Aunt Margo gave me $50.00 which was amazing of her.
And then my Dad gave me $200.00 and this pretty asian art piece he found at Target.
I did pretty well.
I'm getting over the dissapointment of realizing that no one on my mother's side of the family gives a fuck, and the fact that practically everyone on my dad's side of the family could care less as well. Including my grandparents. But, whatever. 
Technically I don't even belong to that family right? Considering my father thought I wasn't his...

My Aunt Margo was kind of upset that I was leaving so early, but I couldn't take my father anymore.
He kept saying that he would take me home and everything.
I feel bad, because I'm sure part of it was that he wanted to spend time with me on my birthday, but I really can't give that to him yet, until he starts treating me like a normal human being.
And then when I kept saying that mommy had no problem taking me home, he kept trying to say that she had said that she wanted him to take me home without saying it... and then started making me feel guilty...
like, 'oh she has work tomorrow, doesn't she?' or 'oh i feel really bad that she has to come all the way back from centereach blahblahblah'
These were our prior arrangements, and she had no problem with them.
And he just kept going with it, and it's ridiculous, because he had just accused me last week of bitching and being a horrible person, so it's like, enough.
And he wouldnt let go of it, 'i don't see what the big deal is..' SHUT UP!

God, so we finally got into the car, and my dad gave me the tv he had been promising me for a while.
My mother had made it clear that she had said nothing to my father that would indicate she didn't want to drive us home.
Especially since when i called her to pick us up, Rocco answered and said happy birthday to me, and then when she got on, she had said, 'is it time?' so my dad is ridiculous.

Cassie and Coral came over, which was awesome. 
Coral made me cupcakes! which are so fucking delicious! And Cassie gave me a fuzzy fucking card, and some cash which was way too nice of her! And it went towards the McDonalds we went out to get! 
And then we played the Wii, and chilled and talked and watched some of Osakajo Hall, and discussed the new RP!
Then sleep came.
We went to the mall the next day, and I'm now 19, don't feel any different.
We dressed Cassie up, I bought new clothes for Jess and I, and then we went to Borders and bought fun things there.
Then we decided to part ways so we could go home and start the new RP, which was a blast.
I'm having so much fun with it,and it will be even better once I get my own laptop.

Oh, and on a side note, even though i feel terrible, I also have to mention this.
I believe Karma worked in my favor today.
Because my dad's brand new car, got smacked into by an old lady this morning.
It was the back end. So no one was hurt. She said her foot slipped off the brake, and she apparently was really old.
But, it's still a small form of karma in my mind.
Though, like i said, i feel terrible for him.
He does have bad luck, but maybe that just shows that he should be nicer to people, and not so goddamn psychopathic.
That's right, just ask the pig with meat
That you lose your heart because you spend money to fulfill
That girl laughs at your sorry face
That's right, the love underneath your suit
That's right, the politeness underneath the suit

Even if you don't know the answer to the simple question of C
The eyes to see the reality is far more important
I laugh at the sorry sky
That's right, the love underneath the sunny day
That's right, underneath the sunny day...

All you people looking at me, you just say what you want
You never come and reach your hand out to me
You buy love for me on my birthday
Today its cloudy and partly rain

Actuality, I want to love the world before me
Actuality I do, but

dead freedom
If you've forgotten how to scream then scream right here and live right here
I will scream as much as I want and if my voice dies, then let my voice die
If you've forgotten how to scream then scream right here and live right here
I will scream no matter how many times I die My voice will die
But I will scream right here my heart
We can dive

Yeahh, Lyrics to C, they kind of fit with how I'm feeling right now, and by kind of I mean almost exactly.
So, A lot has gone down since I last posted.

I finally got in touch with my dad today.
He called, Coral got to witness it. Jess made sure I was alright. And I stood my ground for the whole conversation.
He didn't win that one. 
He said he's just not going to care anymore, that if he wants to give me money for things he will, and if he doesnt, he wont.
He said if he decides to give me one dollar on my birthday then thats his decision.
And i honestly dont care what he wants to do, he acts liek his money is going to control me or something. 
It's not.

So, I still have to pay my insurance. It's going to be expensive, but not as expensive as I thought.
It's going to be under my own name, and I have to take the 6 hour defensive driving class that i really only want to take if someone else is there with me. 
Another fucking driving class... for hours... in that room... in the morning... ugh, i'll just have to do it, and i guess i'll be paying for it.

I think my father might be paying for my textbooks, at least somewhat, and I'm going to ask my mom and rocco for some.
My laptop cost a fucking huge load of money. But everythings fine with it, and it should be here by the end of the month, beginning of september. That's a long time, and I wont have as much time as I'd like to play with it... because I'll be back to school, but oh well.
My father also didn't understand why a graphics tablet was so important to me...
Well, why is his plasma tv so important to him? Or his new car? Oh wait, i think my tablet is way more important than his stupid things anyway.

Dinner with Mom, Rocco and Jess on Sunday, I hope I dont burst out crying.
I've just been crying a lot with my mom lately, because we're just not understanding each other.. or she's not understanding me, really.
I can see her point of view but she doesnt get mine.
It's really ridiculous, and it's not going to change anytime soon.

Barbeque on my birthday with Jess and Coral at my Aunt Margo's house.
I had no reserves about calling her back either, usually i have a problem with calling people back, especially my family, but hey,
it's my aunt margo, even if my dad said bad things to her about me, she usually knows that he's a complete psychopath.

Even Jess' therapist thinks my father needs professional help. Yatta!

Yeah, so I hope the barbeque goes well, I'll just unleash Kyo if things go bad.

Uhm, things are quite strange right now.
I just have way too much stress and i feel like I'm either just going to drop dead
or my chest is going to explode.
The chest pains have been really bad.
It sucks when you're an undiagnosed mentally unstable person.
Not that I need anyone to confirm that I have issues, and to prescribe me medication that i probably wouldnt take anyway.
Why is my major psychology anyway?
When i head to stonybrook it will probably change.
I just have way too much on my plate right now, and it just seems to keep building.

License, Insurance, College, Job, and I'm supposed to be able to do all of the things that I want to do as well...
My artwork, japanese, dir en grey things, friend things, jess things... blah. Fun for me, ne?
I'll figure it out, if it doesn't kill me...

La La... Sayonara...

So, Bucket-chan has finally met his end.
It's very sad.
I built a new computer, and it has eaten all of my money. I hope I can fall in love with it.
It will be here by the first week of school, which means I'm without a laptop for about a month.
Which means I'll be stealing Bou a lot.
I love Bucket-chan, and he will be sorely missed.

Man, I haven't spoken to my father in over a week. 
He hasn't paid for school yet, so hopefully he isn't doing it as a fucking grudge thing. If he ruins anything for me, ugh..
Whatever money, if any at all i get will go towards replenishing my bank account.

I bought a new printer last night, I just need one of those fucking cables that i forgot to pick up.
It's beautiful.
Jess is going to add all of her money to my account as well, to help replenish it. I love her so much.
We have such a mutual relationship. I just buy her things and then when she gets money she gives it to me, because it usually ends up going back to her or helping to pay for necessities and such. 
We have the perfect relationship, and it's THREE YEARS on sunday.

We're going out to dinner with my mom and rocco on sunday, it's for my birthday.
Hopefully I can try and get some money for text books out of them.

Uhm, I picked up the hide poster and the kerrang magazine from my mom's last night.
We went school supply shopping too, and it was cool.

I'm waiting on that whole huge thing of dir en grey goodies i bought off ebay... I think it was two fanclub magazines, two wrist bands, an old calendar, stickers, maybe more? That's awesome!

It was only 62 dollars on ebay, its the three disc edition, i had to have it!
So, thats what I'm waiting on.

These are all birthday presents to me, kay? so STFU.

Oh, and I'm officially a member of [a knot] now. YAAAAAY!!
Coral got to see me break down and cry the other day when i got the news that i had officially joined.
I've just been through so much these past two weeks, so it was like a blessing, something happy, you know?
Which then means, i will be the proud owner of:
Blitz 5 days
Despair in the womb
It Withers and Withers -Bootlegged-
once my money transfers into paypal, ill pay toshio and then get my dvds that i will pray to, and probably just stare at rather than opening.
Im so excited.
Things are going a bit better.

I have a lot of stuff happening this semester so im glad i had time to chill this summer.
We got the boots too. Jess' are loose but she loves them, mine are a bit snug but i love mine.
So, yeah.
Dawn is calling Dell later for me, so hopefully everything goes well, and I have my laptop soon, so Jess doesn't kill me, lol.

Not for anybody but me...

It's been a while. I guess it's been a while for a lot of things though, like the way i feel.

I have a million things going on in my life right now, and i'm not sure that I'm happy about sharing them with this journal because that means everyone can read it, but I need some place for it to go.

I should have my license by September, and let me just tell you that that does not make me happy whatsoever.
In one hand, it's great, but in the other, that's going to be so stressful. Not only will I be in the process of dealing with school, but now we will have to find a way to get to school on the first day of school, and again will have to rely on parents for the first few weeks, and that's if i pass. Though i do feel very confident in my driving skills, especially with Sal, because he just makes me feel so comfortable.
Insurance. I hate it. I'm so proud that I have to get my own insurance, let me tell you, just because my mom is fucking paranoid. But, now i bet you something will happen and go wrong so that way she can be all, "I told you so." Whatever. I guess i have to grow up sometime hm?
So, I'll have to insure and register my car by myself. She said she would help with the payments, and swears my father will too... haha. Then she can fucking ask him to help, because i'm not going to walk into that argument, i'm not fucking blind. 
Money and my father brings up another thing that i just fucking realized. I payed for driving lessons by myself technically. I had left 400 dollars in the account he had for me, and that's the money i took out to use to buy driving lessons, so all in all, i paid for them myself. Oh, I'm sure he put the money back into that account, but it's not really mine anymore, I don't take money from it... Boy, is he fucking smart, hm? I shouldn't have agreed to keep money in there, because now that i think about it, i could really use that money. Whatever.

Next topic: My birthday. Practically two weeks away.
Do people usually have anxiety about their birthday?
So, for my 18th birthday, my mother and stepfather gave me his old pontiac. They gave it to me in poor condition and without a battery.
For my 19th birthday I have decided to ask for them to clean it up, I mean it's been sitting outside, getting weathered for a year now. I asked for new tires because i know they suck, and i asked for a battery for it. God, that means i have to go through inspection and everything as well. 
I would love more than anything to have the balls to ask my father for 600 dollars for my birthday, because then i would get a digital camera and a graphics tablet. I don't think that will happen, I mean he's gotta pay for school, and lucky for me, the first installment is due on my birthday. Cool, huh? ::kills self:: Obviously i'm going to most likely be asking for 400, and even then that might be bitched about. He said he'd buy me a graphics tablet anyway, because it's for my art and blahblahblah, but I'm pretty sure that was him just trying to pretend like he cared about any of my interests. This is so sad, that i'm frightened about what to ask my father for for my birthday. It's always like this, and of course he'll probably wait until the last second to ask me what i want, maybe we'll fight again like we did two years ago on my 17th birthday.
I wish that i could just explain to him, what exactly the 600 is for, maybe he'll go for it, i doubt he will though. It's not really that important now, is it?

Another topic: The gym.
You have no idea how badly i want to drive just so i could take my ass to the gym and work out whenever i want to, rather then having to be on someone else's schedule. I need to lose weight, I need to. I might finally be able to feel slightly okay with myself if I can get down. If I don't, it could kill me, seriously. I want to feel better about myself, and I want to be healthy. I hate it when I feel slightly okay and then suddenly i walk past a mirror and remember, 'oh thats right, i'm a fucking whale' I just hate the way I look. I want to be strong, and I want to be healthy and I want to be able to wear all the clothes that I think are beautiful. I want to have more choices. I want to be able to fit into a nice pair of black tight jeans like the waru can.

And another: Self mutilation and my mind.
Oh boy, it's been a pleasure sitting inside my mind as of lately. I have been trying to keep an optimistic outlook, but that didn't last long, we all know I am naturally pessimistic. My own acts of self mutilation have been getting increasingly worse over the last few months.
At first it was the eyebrows. It's always been the eyebrows. It's what my dad has always got on my case about. They've always been shaved down real short, but for the last few months I've been literally plucking them out with my fingers. It's terrible that I got them looking decent around the concerts, but then when Dir en grey weren't around, I flipped again and started ripping them out. then it became my eyelashes, and i go to severe where i only have like four or five on my top lid, and some on the bottom, to letting them grow in and then i rip them out again. I'm trying to be good. I feel like i need some sort of vice to let out my nervousness or my anxiety. That's why i kind of need my dad to say yes to both things for my birthday. Maybe it's because i don't bite my nails anymore, i need something. Cutting is out of the question, especially when it's two cutters living together, that's not fair to her. 
Oh, and that other problem I've had since seventh grade, the one with the food, and Jess, you obviously know what I'm talking about. I don't think that that is gone. I'm scared, because I know the long term effects of said problem... it's not good.

It looks like I'm not as put together as I usually seem, huh? 

For some reason I just feel terrified all the time at night as well, it's pretty ridiculous. 
Although I have to say I'm not nearly as paranoid as I used to be, which is totally better. 
Man, I really wish someone would have listened to me more when I was younger, I feel like that's where all my anxiety and fears come from. 
And what's with my depression? I really don't know, but I wish it would just go away. 
Seriously, what is my future? Where is the fortunate future? I guess it's what I make of it, and that's a scary thought.

And other things that are on my mind:
I like driving, and I can't wait until I have my license and the freedom that comes along with my car, though I'm not looking forward to all of the added things that go with it.
I am looking forward to school, but can't wait until it becomes another stress to me. 
I need money.
It's all really painful.
I hate pretending everything is fine.
I hate thinking that I'm the one that is ruining the love of my life's life.
I wish it didn't have to be so stressful for me just to go home for a few days to watch the animals.
I wish I didn't have so many regrets.
I wish I could just be happy.
I wish I could make her happy.
I wish it could be okay to smile.
I wish I didn't have all of this pressure.
I wish I could say how I feel.
I have a lot of wishes and a lot of things I hate.
At least I know that I have two things I love. 
At least not everything is empty.
Because I love you Jess, three years soon, if I'm still worth it... and there is always Dir en grey.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please die...

Well, I have to say that I have this biggest itch to post a fanfiction here. Why? Because it will be my first step, then posting it to the kyokao community will be the next step. ::dies::

Coral has been gone. therefore, I am going through withdrawals. Guys.. we need to hang out this week. Perhaps Wednesday or thursday.

That reminds me... I'm going to be signing up for driving lessons. I need to get over my anxiety, and this will be all for the better. I feel like the more I drift from my father, the more bolder I get. The more freer I get. It's more weight off my shoulders.. though more gets piled on.

I really don't want to have to go through my own registration.. i don't want to have to pay for that, and have my own insurance, but of course mother has that paranoia factor. Doesn't she realize its making my life easier if I'm under her insurance? Probably not. My father does things for his own gain, and I'm starting to think my mother has some of the same. She does things only if it won't interfere with her. Like giving me Rocco's old car, was like 'here, now you can't say you didn't get anything for your 18th birthday'... eh, I'm not getting into it. It's too annoying. 

I'm joining the gym. Hopefully everyone else will soon too. Jessica is going with her mom tomorrow, and I will sign up some time this week. 

Well.. my mother is coming to get me to take me driving in two hours.. and I haven't gotten any sleep. I need to clean this apartment. WE need to clean this apartment. At least I'm getting some things done though, right? 

Should I post it? I guess so... There is only what... four people that read this journal.. be my critics guys???

Title: [[Still a working title]] Can you love me to the marrow of my bones?
Chapters: Perhaps this is the prologue... don't ask how many there are, THIS IS ALL I HAVE!
Author: hmmm.. me?
Genre: I don't know yet, lol.
Rating: there will be buttsex!!
Pairings/Characters: Kaoru/Kyo
Warnings: This chapter? hmmm.. self mutilation...
Summary: Based around the Dir en grey of now. Kaoru loves Kyo... Kyo is a warumono.. just read, k thanx.
Comments: It's pretty much just a prologue or an introduction, you'll get the feel of what;s going on... I hope! Read if you want.

Let me know what you think. Thank you! ::hides in a corner::
The past few days have been pretty awesome.
Want some highlights? Good journal, ::pets::


Was woken up by.. them. eh, it wasn't so bad, even if I hadn't been sleeping so great, usually a distraction is just what I need.
Went to the mall and ate some food, Jessica bought awesome Dir en grey things.
Went food shopping with Jessica, then went back to her house. 
Coral and her Die side, as well as Jess and her Kaoru side fucked with my Kyo side so I jumped into the pool fully clothed.
Had to stand outside, then Jessica blow dried my pants for a bit, lol.
We ate okonomiyaki that she made. It was pretty good. Yay for her getting me to try something!
We watched things and then we went home, and we RPed, yay! Kyo and Totchi are together.


It was Jess' birthday.
Vicki and Ashley showed up first, then Cassie. They went into the pool.
Coral called, there was an alleged issue. I walked around to the front, Jess followed. 
Coral said something about a present, we followed, I attempted to lift a huge box, and found that there was a Jessica inside.
She popped out and said, "Happy Birthday!" to Jess, it was adorable, and such a sweet idea.
We all went into the pool..
Whirl Pools are hardcore.
We went food shopping and ordered Chinese food.
We came back home and put snacks away and ate amazing food, and talked and watched things and stared at pictures.
Vicki and Ashley had to go. Jessica found a Hollywood video card and took us there and we rented things out.
Went to Jessica's so she could pick things up, like El Dorado.
We snacked on things and watched Dead Silence. It was awesome. Coral hid her face, and I held onto Jessica's hand.
We watched El Dorado, shouted 'Happy Birthday' to Jess when it was 11:59...

So that means we're now into Sunday:

Continued watching El Dorado, then we put on Vulgar[ism], it was amazing.
We talked of plans about following them the next time they tour here.
We talked, I woke up the sleeping beauty, because Toshiya is adorable sleeping.
We talked some more, then headed into the bedroom. I set up the floor for three people to sleep in, and it ended with 5 people all crammed in the bed.
It was interesting. We went to bed, slowly woke up. I showed them Rock am Ring 06, then we decided on food and borders.
Went to ihop, it was crowded, and Jessica made faces at people staring at us.
We went to Borders first and Jess and I bought  lot of manga, it was great, Thanks Babe!
Went back to Ihop, RPing there was great!
Went back home, they got there stuff together and we were off to Jessica's house, and we watched It Withers and Withers.
Her dad was awesome. Ate dinner there, went to her room, watched videos and just hung out.
She took us home, it was awesome.

I've just been incredibly open and okay, and happy and having a good time.
I like it. These people all make me happy. I have a good time.
It's all so different from how other relationships with other people have been.
Blah blah blah.. sappy things. 

So, tomorrow is the fourth of July, and we might kidnap each other to go hang out at my dad's complex and watch the fireworks.
The big fireworks show is like right next door to my dad's place.
I am pretty excited, because even if it means seeing my dad, I'll be with my friends, and they won't let anything happen.
I love these guys.

Oh, and I'm not trying to get my hopes up or anything, but it's a big possibility that I'm going to be joining a knot.
I would love to be part of Dir en grey's fan club, because that means regular price on DVDs, the ones you can get on ebay for hundreds of dollars, and I get Haiiro no Ginka, and other things, it's a bit pricey, but it will just have to work. I need this.

Jun. 26th, 2007

Top 10:
1. Dir en Grey
2. hide
3. X Japan
4. the GazettE
5. An Cafe
6. Miyavi
7. Nirvana
8. Slipknot
9. Jack off Jill
10. Olivia

Q: What was the first song you ever heard by #2?
A: I'm going to say 'Rocket Dive' and it was love after that.

Q: What is your favorite album of #6?
A: Hmmm...  probably 'MYV*POPS'

Q: What is your favorite Lyric of #7?
A: There really are so many, I have to really think...
"Underneath the bridge
The tarp has sprung a leak
The animals I've trapped have all become my pets.
And I'm living off of grass and drippings from the ceiling.
It's OK to eat fish, 'cause they don't have any feelings.

Something in the way."

I have to pick another set as well, because they mean just as much to me..

"I'm so warm and calm inside
I no longer have to hide
Let’s talk about someone else
Steaming soup against her mouth
Nothing really bothers her
She just wants to love herself"

Nirvana means so much to me, I really need them in my life again.. Kurt always makes me horribly miserable too, I shouldnt spend much more time on this question though because then I'll go into 'About a girl', 'Papercuts', 'Pennyroyal tea' and everything else Kurt fucking wrote.

Q: What is your favorite song by #9?
A: 'Vivica' and probably 'Surgery'

Q: Is there a song of #1 that makes you sad?
A: 'Mushi', 'Jealous -Reverse', "24 cylinders', 'Embryo', 'Zakuro', and a hell of a lot more.

Q: What is your favorite song by #8?
A: 'Scissors'

Q: What is your favorite song by #10?
A: 'If You Only Knew'

Q: What is your favorite album by #8?
A: 'Slipknot' or as I always referred to it as, 870621345. I refuse to acknowledge any knew arrangement of the numbering.

Q: How did you get into #5?
A: Of course because my darling, Jess fell in love with them, I kept listening and they became a good band in my eyes.

Q: What is your favorite song by #4?
A: 'Filth in the beauty' 'Reila' and 'Regret'

Q: Who is your favorite band member of #1?
A: They're all the greatest thing to happen to me, so hm... all of them for there own reasons. 
Kyo- The Prophet. His lyrics are awe-inspiring almost as much if not more than his singing. His demeanor as well, and his stage presence. His poetry is some of the best.. is the best I've ever read.
Kaoru- The leader. He's such a great guitarist and such a great writer. His music is beautiful. His passion is un-matchable. His personality is life.
Die- The master at the acoustic. The other passionate guitarist. The smile. The personality that shines. The charisma. what a great man, and he has also written the music to some of my favorite songs. 
Toshiya- What a goddamn powerhouse. He's a phenomenal bassist! I don't care what anyone says. He's so energetic! and my god, that laugh! He's adorable! 
Shinya- The amazing drummer, with so much ferocity inside his tiny body its fucking insane. He handles everything so well. I admire him for being as quiet and to himself as he is. 

Q: What is a good memory concerning #4?
A: Realizing that no one has any idea what the fuck they're talking about when they compare Ruki to Kyo. I smiled realizing Ruki wasn't another carbon copy wannabe of Kyo, and realized their style was completely different from Dir en grey. It made me respect them highly.

Q: What does #9 remind you of?
A: Myself.

Q: Is there a song by #3 that makes you sad?
A: Of course. 'Tears' and 'Endless Rain'

Q: What is your favorite song of #1?
A: I absolutely could never choose. The five I've been listening to most as of lately?
1. Jealous -Reverse-
2. Bottom of the death valley
4. Lie Buried with A Vengeance
5. Disabled Complexes
...i wish i did a top 10.. must keep going..

Q: How did you become a fan of #7?
A: When I was 4 I knew them and loved them. When I was 5 I asked my mom if Kurt Cobain was going to go to hell because he committed suicide... obviously my views have changed since then on everything. When I was 13, I was actually with Jess at the time too, and I remembered that I loved Nirvana, and should buy the CDs, so I bought two and then collected everything i could after that. haha.

Q: What do you like to do while listening to #6?
A: Relax, or do Bucket-chan things.

Q: Which of the 10 has influenced you the most?
A: They all have, some more than others. Dir en grey the most, and Nirvana second, then Slipknot third.

Q: Which artist makes you the happiest?
A: Dir en grey, for various reasons.

Q: Which artist makes you the saddest?
A: Dir en grey and Nirvana.

Q: Which artist makes the best dance music?
A: Honestly? Dir en grey. Then An Cafe and Miyavi. KYO'S DANCING REIGNS SUPREME! honestly, you can't help but move your hips to 'dead tree'.

Q: Which artist have you liked the longest?
A: Nirvana.

Q: Which artist have you liked the shortest?
A: Olivia.

Q: Are there any artists you will still be listening to in 20 years?
A: Yup. Dir en grey, and probably Nirvana.

Q: What are you listening to right now?
A: the GazettE - Reila.


^ stolen from Coral... errr... Die! Lol.

Slow down - Move on Darkness.

June 8th, 2007.

We took an 11:11 train into the city. There was eight of us, and I thought we'd surely be on a longer line.
By the time we got to the line at around a quarter after 1, there ws probably 20 people in front of us. It was fantastic.
So, we just kind of hung out until the doors would open at a quarter to 7.
They had you rush into the venue, and then the line Jess and I got onto... the ticket scanner wasn't working.
It was really just one thing after another, but I can't complain, when we got in we were third row, dead center.

Fall of Troy:
They were good. I listened, I took them in, and I was respectful. I nodded along to the music, and I clapped for them, but then after a while it started getting to me. I was getting all anxious, I was tired, hot... the constant pushing, and the final song... 'Sledgehammer' under any other circumstances, I probably would have been into it, but it was taking way too long. 

The set-up:
It was quite quick, but it felt like forever to me. Saw Yuya and Kuroo, even Nora was walking around, that was exciting.

Dir en grey:
The lights dim and then they come out in the same order they usually do. I was ecstatic, my idols were onstage, especially him, and we were right in front of him. 
They started with Conceived Sorrow, and I'm pretty sure that they haven't played it since. It was chilling and beautiful. 
The full set list is on my myspace blog, considering I decided when I wrote about the concerts in here, it would be more about how I felt, so here goes...

I had a major connection with Kyo. Our eyes met, and it was as if the world stopped, then quickly started up again. Those intense eyes that burn holes through you. That wounded man, I adore him and completely respect him for everything he does. He put on such a great performance.
Die seemed like there was something going on inside his head, like he wasn't really there with us, and I instantly wished I knew what was wrong with him. I felt bad. I hope he's doing okay, and I wish him the best. I still felt his passion and he did perform well, it just seemed like something was wrong with him.
Shinya I couldn't see because he has no riser. He was hair, craziness, power and drumsticks. That's what I saw whenever I tried to get glimpses of him. I could still feel him, and hear him though. How could you not?
Toshiya. What can I say? He has so much energy, and he seemed to truly enjoy himself. What an amazing man, and that bass was awesome. I also felt a connection with him, our eyes met, and I just pointed at him.
Kaoru was doing his Kaoru things on the side of the stage. He is such a passionate person, and I could feel it, his love for the guitar and the love for his band. He always puts on great performances. 

The a cappella.
How beautiful. He honestly is the most talented vocalist, and performer in my mind. They all are. 
He sounded perfect, and the echoing was such a haunting effect.
Toshiya even placed his hand over his heart whilst Kyo sang it.
I would have loved to kill the people screaming for Kyo and Dir en grey during this, and also the people boo-ing them, but I was too entranced by it all. Besides, screaming for them to shut up is just as annoying as anyone screaming at all. I kept my mouth shut, and my hand up for the man, for my idol... for all of them. 
I am extremely lucky to have the image of Kyo singing with his hand raised, Toshiya with his hand over his heart, and Kaoru scanning the audience, etched into my mind.

Ten songs was a very decent amount for an opening act, and I was ecstatic to be part of that experience.
I was very happy with the set list as well.

I bought two T-shirts and then we got out of there. 
We didn't go looking for their tourbus, because that's not what I'm about. 
They're here to communicate with us through their music, and that is what I'm grateful for.
I'm grateful that I can be a part of that.
If I by chance ever saw them walking by or something, the only proper thing I can think of is just saying a 'Thank you.'
Honestly, I would love to be able to just go up to them and tell them how I feel, how much they mean to me, how much they've done for me. I coul go on and on. Especially, Kyo himself. 
But, I'm extremely content with the knowledge of never meeting him, and most likely never meeting the rest of the band.
That's just not what they're about.

It was back to the island, and then to sleep so we could do it all again the next day.

June 9th, 2007.

So, we got up to do it again.
This time only four of us got the tickets before they sold out.
We took a later train in, we got in the front the day before... no need to do it again, just go to enjoy the experience, right?
A 12:43 train... we got to the Roseland at around 2:45. 
We weren't much further back then we were the day before. It was pretty exciting. 
All we kept saying is if we can get rail, then we stay there. If not, hang in the back.
We played UNO to pass the time, and it worked really well.
This time there was no running to get inside, and this time the scanner worked. 
This time we were rail.

Coral walked inside and noticed that on Kaoru and Toshiya's side there was space open on the rail. 
We thought about it, and it actually gave us the perfect view to the stage, besides seeing poor Shinya. 
This would be a good night. 

Fall of Troy:
They, again, are good.
I couldn't hear the singer, his guitar playing was pretty damn good, but I didn't feel passion behind it. 
Many people say he's better than Kaoru and Die. I have to disagree. He lacks the passion that they indeed hold.
'Sledgehammer' again. I had to pee, and I was extremely anxious.

The set-up:

Guess what I noticed? 
The place we were standing in was absolutely the most perfect view of where they come onto the stage. I was staring directly at the stairs they walk up.
Everyone else behind us were Deftones fans. So we were pretty fucking lucky.
Nora was putting down the setlists. I screamed for her, and she gave us a kind of smile and then kept doing what she had to do.
Kuroo and Yuya were doing roadie things and I was staring over to the side of the stage, waiting to see a glimpse of one of them.
Die was stretching. We called out to him. We were so pumped and excited.
Shinya then walked in front of him and headed up the stairs. I was happy to get a glimpse of the beautiful man, finally.
Then Die headed up the stairs, next up Totchi, then Kaoru who I knew I would be communicating a lot with that night, and then there was the break. 
Then there he was. I just let out a whisper, "Kyo". And Jess shrieked and wanted to see over the huge amp in front of us, because she was tiny. That was something else I was thankful for... I was able to spend both nights with her. In the February show we got split up.

Dir en grey:

This performance was even better than the night before. I didn't think that could be possible, but it was.
Kaoru seemed to be having some issues with his guitar. But, we made him feel better. We just kept pointing at him, showing him lots of love and attention.
At one point I caught something in the corner of my eyes and it was Kyo. He was looking over at us, he even squinted, and I started pointing at him, and holding my hand up. It was amazing locking eyes with him again.
Die seemed to be more into it, and I was happy he was having a good time. He was shaking his head and moving his hair around and smiling, and that's the Die I love seeing.
Toshiya was unstoppable. He saw us interacting with Kaoru and he moved closer to him and started holding his arms up wanting us to give him everything we had. We would do anything for anyone of those members.
Kyo puts his hand up, you put your hand up. 
We were right in front of an amp, so I felt Shinya's drums throughout my entire body. He is so amazing, and just full of such ferocity. It was such a fulfilling experience.
Hearing Agitated was great too, because Die screaming into the mic all by himself was such a great sight, I love his vocals. All of their vocals are great.
The set list, again was amazing. 
Hearing Merciless Cult and being able to throw my fist along with Kaoru screaming into the mic, that was an experience.

The microphone incident:

Kyo went down, and I was instantly worried. I wasn't sure if he was okay... all I knew is that he tripped and he had taken Toshiya's mic and stand down with him.
In the blink of an eye... he was back up, and was in a rage. He picked up the stand and started tossing it around, smashing it on the stage and then did a circle to show it who owned the fucking stage. I was impressed, he always just commands the stage and demands your attention.
The final song they played that night was IIID Empire, which was the first time they played it on the tour. When Toshiya had to do his backing vocals, he screamed them without a mic the first time around, and then the second time around was hysterical...
Kaoru had decided we were worthy of his amazing Kaoru guitar skills, so he stepped over the amp, and came over to where we were standing, and was literally two feet away from me. We pointed and nodded at him, we screamed for him, we gave him all the attention in the world. He deserved all of it.
Toshiya has to get ready for his vocal part again, so he decides to be all stealthy. He notices Kaoru is over acknowledging us, so he looks at the microphone and stand, then walkes over, grabs onto it, and pulls it back toward where he likes to stand. 
When Kaoru finally turned back around to go back to his spot, he was slightly confused to where his microphone had gone. It was amazing.
It was just so surreal.

Kaoru acknowledging us? Acknowledging me? I nodded at him when he looked at me, and he nodded back. He made everything better. All of my worries were washed away just because he acknowledged me. 
It wasn't due to me stalking their tourbus. I was enjoying the music, and both nights my idols acknowledged that I was there to support them. 
Kyo's a cappella was beautiful. even better this night, because the audience was so much more relaxed. I wasn't pushed once, and I didn't really hear any boo-ing. I was rather proud. His dancing was a sight as well. He has so much rhythm going through his body. 
They are all such amazing people. They are Dir en grey. They are my favorite band, they are my favorite musicians, they are my favorite people.
I was blown away by that live, it was completely Epic.
When they got off the stage I could have cried, because watching as Kyo got down those steps... it was horrible. 
He's always so tired and off in his world, it kills me. I knew he would have to face people outside trying to bother him. I knew that for the next month he would have to deal with crazy American fans that just don't understand what's respectful and disrespectful. I felt bad, terrible even.
They would all have to deal with it. 

I wish them luck with the rest of their tour, and I thank them from the bottom of my heart and from the marrow of my bones for being here those two nights.

I got the last shirt, and a decal, and then we were gone.
We headed back to Penn on a high that no one could crash down.
We were four very extremely lucky people that night.

I've been letting go as of lately. 
Less restrictive on myself as I have been in the past. 
My father shouldn't affect me so much.
Kaoru let me know that, they all did. 
Kyo sang and it healed my wounded heart, and they all played their music healing my wounded mind.
I can't ever thank them enough.
Saturday, June 9th of 2007 had to be the best experience of my life. Thank you, guys.


My first new journal in years. I really don't know what to write about.
I am extremely happy that last semester is over. Now I have free time to work on all of my art and such.
Sigh, I'm extremely boring, but I'm psyched that in three weeks I'll see them again.
I really need these two concerts, whenever I see them it completely clears my mind from all of the bullshit.
I will be cleansed, and then next semester I'm going to work like a psycho at getting fantastic grades.
I have a lot to do this summer...
Clean the apartment. 
Driving lessons.
Start getting my supplies for the fall semester.
Possibly get a job...
Work on all of my art.
Catch up on my reading.
Plan my girlfriend's birthday party.
... a million other things.
Luckily I think my first day back at Suffolk is at the end of August.